The relationship ended. I ended it. I can't pretend that I'm happy, or relieved, or anything positive about it. I hate this feeling. I really fucking hate this feeling. I didn't want it to come to this. I loved her. I truly did. I believe, think, or at least hope she knows this, but I mean, I'm not exactly showing it by breaking up, am I?
I hate myself right now. I hate everything about myself, because I couldn't keep it alive, and I couldn't find some way to make everything okay. I mean, God damn it, I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one who can fucking fix anything. I'm supposed to be the one who can turn any situation into something positive, the one who can bring smiles when there's normally a frown. Why the FUCK did it all have to go down the way it did?
Yeah, fine, I can say that we need some time apart, and that maybe things will get better between us, and we'll try again, but is that really possible? Assuming that we develop feelings for each other again, sometime down the road, wouldn't it always be tainted by this? Can anyone forgive anyone for something like this?
And more specifically, do I want that? I honestly don't know right now. I care about her, and I want her to be happy. I know most of you are calling bullshit on that, and I'm more than fed up with your opinions concerning my character, but you're welcome to your comments. Lord knows in some ways I agree with you.
Let's say that in a week, two weeks, a month, whatever, down the road, we get back together, because I'm not against the idea of starting over, where does that leave us? What if I go to Vancouver for my interview and they make a good offer? Do I go? Do I stay? If I do go, would it be fair for her to come, or would she resent me for it in some way? If I stay, would I resent her?
I know that, ultimately, I failed her, and I failed myself. I could no longer hold my head high, proud, strong, and carry the burden of life. I couldn't stand beside her when she needed me, and I'd like to blame her for the whole thing, but I can't. I can only hope that someday she'll at least forgive me, that she won't hate me, and that if she ever reads this, she understands.
If this is forever the end for us, I hope she takes something positive from the situation and can be happy.